This pretending is eating me inside

I cannot recall the last time I felt this kind of sadness. Im so sad that Im shivering. My eyes are filled with tears ready to fall down but yet not allowed. Not yet, not when somebody might notice.  I am happy for other people certainly I am, but the truth is rushing out of me, my mind, my soul. The truth is that i will never be accepted to my own family. As much as i love them... They dont love me or maybe they just dont understad. But once again I feel so tired, so lonely in this circle of hiding and lies.  The worst thing is. I know that they know. Its not a secret. It's  just a thing that is too bad to say out loud. Saying it now when i've finally build these walls back again would destroy it all again. Im so sad... So sad not to be able to be myself, and Im sorry for writing about this.. Because i know it never helps. But it felt like the right thing to do now... Again today i wish things we're alot different. Please mum go to sleep, I can not hold these tears much longer.

I can’t pretend that
I’m alright
And you can’t change me

Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect...

Nothing’s gonna change
The things that you said
Nothing’s gonna make this
Right again